Can I tell you a secret? This motherhood thing is kicking my butt. It is an overwhelming, never ending lesson in selflessness, patience and sacrifice. And let us not forget the tiredness. And the sheer soul weariness. I feel weary in my soul. Deeply weary.
I fight against guilt to even say these things out loud. For some reason, ever since Sam was even a day old, I have felt like I should keep these feelings to myself. To hide them, and pretend they are not there. After all – I prayed for him for years. I waited and wanted and longed and cried. God finally answered, and now who am I to express anything but sheer joy and thankfulness in every single moment of motherhood?
But as much as I love Sam, and my heart thrills in those twinkling blue eyes and sweet sweet kisses, I feel overwhelmed at the sheer CONSTANTNESS of motherhood. And sometimes I don’t want to go to bed at night, because I am so tired at the thought of another day to do it all over again.
I think it is times like this I realize that sometimes a Mother needs a Mother.
I give so much of myself to Sam. I love him and care for him. I put my schedule on hold for him. I anticipate his needs and what would make his little life and his little heart happy. I clean up after him and feed him. I listen to his funny little chatter and soothe his heart when he is sad. I am the meeter of his needs and the tender to his little spirit.
Tonight I feel like I need a mother. Someone to come and clean up after me, and feed me, and put me to sleep when I am grumpy. Someone to talk to me when I am sad (which is a lot lately.) And help me bring order to my world. Or maybe I just need someone to come and clean my bathroom and play with Sam while I have a nap.
Would anyone like to adopt a fairly needy, somewhat whiny, tired and emotional 38 year old, who needs constant attention, and desperate help in the house department? I also have blue eyes that twinkle, and give great kisses. But since I have to save those for the two guys in my life, you will have to take my word on that one. Any takers?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
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4 comments:
Oh Shirl: I'd love to adopt you! Each phase of motherhood comes with it's own unique sets of challenges. Say, when Sam is 10 and has a paper route and is kinda put out that you sent him to deliver the newspapers on his bike instead of giving him a ride, you'll kindly but firmly kick him out of the house and send him on his way, momentarily basking in the silence and break from the constant barrage of trivia he wants to share. But then when he isn't home when you expect him, you'll hop in the van and search for him until you find him, breathing a silent prayer that the reason he is late is because he tried to take his bike through a deep snow drift as a short cut and got stuck. This is TOTALLY hypothetical. I'm not speaking from experience at all ; )
Love ya, Shirley, and I'll say a prayer for you tonight.
Claudette
Ah Claudette...thanks. I just can't believe that you did this three times. I can't believe how torn I feel...wanting him to grow and wanting him to stay little at the same time. And just think, before you know it, you will be sending Abby out in the van to chase down her brothers. Where does the time go?! :)
I am adopting you right now. I will take you just as you are. Wish I could drive over there this morning. We are in Wpg for the weekend. Lots of love.
If you lived here...
I'm just sayin'.
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